(Because a well-prepared Scout never shows up to a brawl empty-handed.)
In every scout’s career, it’s inevitable they attend some large scale multi-troop event. It could be the national Jamboree, World Jamboree or and all district summer camp.
Usually these vents are great, with scouts from all walks of life get together to celebrate and have a a good time.
But every once in a while, when you mix large gatherings of teen boys and girls, there are bound to be personality clashes. Sure, they can try to talk it out like the good citizens they are training to be. But sometimes talk doesn’t work. Sometimes, just once or twice in every scout’s career, it takes a good old fashioned rumble to get things settled. We’re talking West Side Story Jets vs Sharks throwdown behind the Arts and Crafts building at midnight.
When rival troops decide to throw down, only one question matters: who’s packing better? Forget your trail mix and sunscreen. For the real battles of scouting, these are the Five Essentials every Scout must carry.
1. Axe Spray + Bic Lighter Combo
Nothing says “territorial dominance” like converting your personal body odor mask a medium range battlefield flamethrower. Just a spritz, a click, and boom, you’ve got a 10-foot fireball. It’s most effective for the Shock and Awe opening salvo of the rumble. The biggest drawback is that this is a two-handed weapon. It’s best to have a back up once the combat becomes close quarters.
Scout Safety Note: Only ignite during rumble conditions. Hair loss and troop-wide singeing may occur.
Slogan: “Prepared. Pressurized. Pyrotechnic.”
2. The Homemade Medieval Mace
Every Scout knows knots. Now put those scout craft skills to good use. Lash a softball to a broomstick and your a Viking Berserker ready to hit the field of battle. You’ve invented a “multi-purpose camp tool” that definitely won’t get past inspection. But it will get you instant credibility with the troop.
Scout Safety Note: Always test your invention’s “swing radius” in a wide open space. Collateral damage to tents, lanterns, and friendships may occur.
Slogan: “Do a good turn daily. Preferably with momentum.”
3. Roman Candle Artillery Pack
The handbook tells you to always bring a whistle. Forget that, bring a Roman Candle arsenal. Nothing scatters enemy formations faster than technicolor fireballs hissing through the air.
Scout Safety Note: Firing at point-blank range is frowned upon (but highly effective).
Slogan: “Light once, regret forever.”
4. The Slingshot of Infinite Regret
Sure, a slingshot is standard issue. But fill your ammo pouch with something creative: flaming marshmallows, paintballs filled with bug spray, or the petrified tater tots from last night’s meal at the dining hall. Projectiles are always a necessity for the long range advantage.
Scout Safety Note: Dentures and eyeglasses are not valid targets. Usually.
Slogan: “Trustworthy, loyal, and locked ‘n’ loaded.”
5. The Tactical Pinewood Derby Car
Why just race them? This is your low profile tactical invasion go to weapon. It’s this little guy that invades your enemy’s front lines as you distract them with the overhead Roman Candle Barrage. Simply strap a Roman candle to the top, nails to the front, and let your pocket-sized death wagon invade the frontal assault. It’s a scouting tradition… weaponized.
Scout Safety Note: Do not enter in official Pinewood Derby. Judges frown upon “vehicular manslaughter.”
Slogan: “Fast. Furious. Flammable.”
Final Reminder
A Scout is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent.
But during a rumble, he’s also armed to the teeth with household contraptions your mom will never forgive you for building.
