5 ways to bury your mistake (and your dignity) when nature calls and you miss the hole
5 Steps to Escape the Smelliest, Squishiest, Most Embarrassing Trail Disaster Known to scout kind
So, you’re out on a long wilderness hike, communing with nature, when the inevitable hits: that Taco Bell you had before hitting the trial now wants out. No worries, you’re in the middle of nowhere.
You jump off trail, find a nice private spot, dig your trusty cat hole and get ready to release the cargo, bombs away, drop the kids off at the pool. Except one major detail derails your mission.
You misjudged the aim.
Now your masterpiece is proudly sitting next to the hole, steaming in the breeze. What’s worse, there may be some collateral damage on your hiking boots. And if you don’t act fast, it may be oozing it’s way down your Achille’s heal to a warm squishy place that will haunt you for the next five miles.
Congratulations: you are now the Picasso of poop placement.
But don’t panic. Here’s how to turn this disaster into a survival story you’ll only slightly regret telling.
Step 1: Denial Is Not a Strategy
Pretending it didn’t happen won’t work. Other hikers will find it. Scouts will point. Someone will post it on Tik Tok and tag YOU. Don’t be the villain in the “Leave No Trace” slideshow. Acknowledge the horror. Own your failure. Breathe through your mouth. Stay calm, wipe up, and slowly step away from the crime scene. If you got it on your boots, step out now. We’ll deal with that later.
Step 2: Branch Management
Okay, so you’ve acknowledged that the mission has gone wrong. The Marines have a saying, Adapt, Improvise, Overcome. This is where you rise to the occasion and do the right thing.
Find a stick. Not a twig. A branch. Something that says, “I’ve been through war.” Use it to… ahem… encourage the deposit into its intended final resting place. This is the part where you become a real-life archaeologist, except your artifact is… well, you know. Think of it as a delicate game of shuffleboard and gently nudge that nugget towards the target.
Pro tip: Do not, under any circumstances, use your trekking pole! You will never mentally hike with it again.
Step 3: Dirt, Lots of Dirt
Now that your wayward ordinance is safely in its new, six-to-eight-inch-deep home, it’s time for the burial ceremony. Say a final farewell, or maybe a quick apology to the Earth, as you gently push the dirt back over the hole. Do it with conviction. This isn’t just a burial; it’s an act of asking forgiveness. Tamp it down firmly. We’re not just covering up a mistake; we’re creating a tomb for a dark dark secret.
Now for the boots. Wipe them down, drag them though the dirt, burn sage, and drag them through the dirt again. There can be ZERO evidence. We will never speak of this again in our lifetimes.
Step 4: Distraction Tactics
If you’re hiking with friends, this is where you make noise. Start yelling about seeing Bigfoot, or a snake. Anything to draw eyes away from your war zone. If you’re alone, scream anyway. It’s cathartic.
Second, distract them with smell. Load up on the hand sanitizer, the bug spray, the sunscreen. If it has a scent, you’re putting it on. It’s better to be made fun of because you smell like Maui Waui Tropical Banana Sun Screen than this morning’s rejected burrito. Load up and mask that smell!
Step 5: Ritual Purification
Wash your hands! Hand Sanitizer and lost of it. Twice. Then douse them again in hand sanitizer until your skin feels like beef jerky. If no sanitizer? Rub your hands in pine needles and pray to whatever god covers outdoorsmen with bad aim.
Final Wisdom
You missed the hole. It happens to the best of us. Actually, no, it doesn’t. But let’s say it does so you can sleep tonight. Just remember: nature doesn’t judge. Your friends do. So cover your tracks, literally, and hike on. Then burn those boots.
